MINERAL, Va. - Yesterday at 1:51 p.m. (17:51:04 UTC) a magnitude 5.8 earthquake rattled Mineral, VA from 3.7 miles beneath the feet of its 424 residents. The hard rocks of the east coast transmitted the shock wave far north and south, rattling the offices of Enterprise Intergation Group, 300 km away in tiny, peaceful, yet surprisingly productive Downingtown, PA.

Upon feeling the first shock wave, EIG staff consulted the comprehensive natural disaster protocols detailed on the EIG wiki and, following the recently updated procedure to the letter, ran like hell, stopping only to wake and leash Ginger, the on-site security manager. EIG staff watched in horror, well dismay, well maybe mild curiosity, as wave after wave after wave of geological horror beyond comprehension opened teeny, tiny cracks in the stucco of the EIG Downingtown chimney. An anonymous EIG staff member characterized the event as feeling like, "A fat guy jumping around downstairs."

Emergency crews worked through the night using heavy earthquake recovery equipment flown in from the Aleutian islands to comb the rubble in a bedroom located near the EIG offices where the occupant, a teen aged male, has not been seen for a week. As earth-moving equipment approached the bottom of the rubble, a rumor surfaced that the unnamed boy had, in fact, been at university marching band camp for the past week and that the rubble was not related to the quake.

After offering her condolences to those who suffered loss or injury resulting from the quake, EIG public relations manager Daniele Lea captured the defiant, yet optimistic mood of EIG Downingtown when she directed inquiring news organizations to a photo originally published here.